One, I remember,
was called 'The Gospel of Rationalism.' And I was enthusiastic in
the cause, with an enthusiasm such as I shall never experience
again. Can I imagine myself writing and speaking such things
now-a-days? Scarcely: yet the spirit remains, it is only the
manifestations which have changed. I am by nature combative; I feel
the need of attacking the cherished prejudices of society; I have a
joy in outraging what are called the proprieties. And I wait for my
opportunity, which has yet to come."
"How commonplace my life has been, in comparison," said Julian,
after an interval of thoughtfulness.
"Your nature, I believe, is very pure, and therefore very happy. _I_
am what Browning somewhere calls a 'beast with a speckled hide,' and
happiness, I take it, I shall never know."
Julian could begin to see that his friend took something of a
pleasure in showing and dwelling upon the worst side of his own
character.
"You will be happy," he said, "when you once find your true work,
and feel that you are doing it well."
"But the motives, the motives!--Never mind, I've talked enough of
myself for one sitting. Don't think I've told you everything. Plenty
more confessions to come, when time and place shall serve.
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