I knew nothing about all that: I had no modern
books--those we had were mostly about a hundred years old. My fight up
to this period was all on the old lines, and on this account I have
related it as briefly as possible; but it had to be told, since it
comes into the story of the development of my mind at that period. I
have no doubt that my sufferings through these religious experiences
were far greater than in the majority of cases, and this for the
special reason which I have already intimated.
CHAPTER XXIV
LOSS AND GAIN
The soul's loneliness--My mother and her death-A mother's love for her
son--Her character-Anecdotes-A mystery and a revelation--The autumnal
migration of birds--Moonlight vigils--My absent brother's return--He
introduces me to Darwin's works--A new philosophy of life--Conclusion.
The mournful truth that a man--every man-must die alone, had been
thrust sharply into my mind and kept there by the frequent violent
attacks of my malady I suffered at that time, every one of which
threatened to be the last. And this sense and apprehension of
loneliness at the moment of the severance of all earthly ties and
parting with light and life, was perhaps the cause of the idea or
notion which possessed me, that in all our most intimate thoughts and
reflections concerning our destiny and our deepest emotions, we are
and must be alone.
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