He began then, in an agony of distress, to question himself as to
whether he had not dreamt his visions. He wrestled with God,
beseeching Him to come again and give him a clearer message. Night
after night passed and he waited for some further vision, but
nothing was granted him. Then he thought that perhaps he himself was
now cursed for leaving God. God had come to him and revealed Himself
to him in unmistakable signs, and yet he was doubting Him and
demanding further help.
As the weeks passed he perceived more and more clearly that there
was every kind of division and trouble in the Chapel. Many members
left and wrote to him telling him why they had done so. In his own
household he felt that Amy no longer gave him any confidence. She
attended to him more carefully than before, watched over him as
though he were a baby, but made no allusion to the services or the
Chapel or any meeting. He seemed, as the weeks passed, to be
lonelier and lonelier, and he looked upon this as punishment for his
own earlier selfishness. He was pulled then two ways. On the one
hand it seemed to him that he would only hear God's full message if
he withdrew further and further from the world, on the other he felt
that he was letting his followers slip away from him now at the very
moment when he should be closest to them, advising, helping,
encouraging.
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